Pizza Face!

Pizza Face!

Did you hear the one about the politician who went to pick up a pizza for his sick son to try and cheer him up?  Goes like this… 

I decided to give "Granpa Jack’s" Pizza (not the real name) a try as they were located close to my dry cleaner and I was intrigued by their catchy slogan “Better Ingredients.  Better Pizza.”  I LIKE better ingredients, I thought, maybe I would like their pizza better.

I ordered my pizza, gave my name, and after dropping my dirty laundry with a complete stranger (kind of an odd thing to do, really. Dirty laundry is sort of personal), I headed to pick up my kid’s pizza. 

My biggest concern in this whole plan was driving home with the hot fresh pizza.  I am on one of my many diets so that I can retain the appearance the voters expect.  Why do they get to have jowls and fat asses but I have to look fit and trim like I run marathons on the weekends?  I don't.  I confess.  I sit on my ass and watch football on Sundays and usually just run errands on Saturdays.  It is so unfair.  But, I digress… 

So, I think it is a bit odd that the kid at the register seems to recognize my name from a pizza order.  I had never been there before and it is not my experience that pizza guys are all that politically in tune.  I stood there wondering what “Ooooohhh, that name sounds familiar,” meant… Is that good?   The place was super crowded, so I am thinking the guy is just a screw up and I take a deep breath.  It is nice that Pappa John's hires the mentally retarded, I am telling myself.  I hope that he washes his hands, though.  Hygiene is important and I haven't seen many mentally challenged kids that seem to understand the value of washing the nose goo off their hands.  I am wondering, "Why am I still waiting for the pizza?"

It didn’t take long to find out.  Before I know it, the kid is trying to be funny and show off by telling me loudly in the crowded restaurant that he is going to be working against me in my next election.  To say these morons caught me off guard would be an understatement.  I am normally quite well prepared with snarky passive aggressive and destructive comments for shitheads I encounter when on the campaign trail.  But, I am just trying to pay for some dough and a little cheese, here, people.  Maybe sprinkle a little cash into the economy (and into this idiot's paycheck)...

As I drove off with the pizza, the significance of what just took place started to sink in.  These freakish (yes, one even had the earlobe doughnut thing making his ear appear to be a great place to hang him from a cup hook) clowns knew me, and hated me enough to forget I was a paying customer and sort of threaten me WHILE I PAID.  It began to dawn on me that these same jerk-offs made my son’s pizza… Now what?  With an obvious lack of self-control when I am standing in front of them, what are the chances they exhibit greater self -control when they are alone with my pizza?

I’m ashamed to admit I let my son eat it.  I didn’t say a word, but I did open the box and look for any sign of bodily fluids.  Then, I wrote a strongly worded letter... and researched the founder of the pizza chain to find that he and his wife give big contributions to the Kentucky Democrats.  (They also gave to George W. Bush in 2004).  WTF?!  I just feel sorry for them when I see that combination of contributions.  Idiots.  I am going to send a note to the store that just reads, “Pizza Face!  Why don’t you try some Proactive?  You would still be ugly, but at least you wouldn’t gross out your customers anymore.  Freak!”  Bwaaahaaa haaa haa haa!  THAT will be more satisfying than a response from the founder.  I'll never eat there again anyway.

Lesson here?  A. Don’t eat pizza at this one of five pizza joints in the 1 mile radius around my home.  They hire freaks who may be spitting in your food if they don’t like your politics.  And with the CEO giving to both sides, you never know when you are going to be the target.  B. If you are a pimple covered pizza guy with those weird ear lobe stretching things, you are a loser and there is really nothing you can say to offend anyone with an ounce of self-confidence.  Don’t bother.  C. If you are a pimple covered pizza guy and you think you are cute by spitting in a pizza that a politician will ultimately feed to their innocent child, you are deeply disturbed.  D. You are an idiot if you act aggressively toward a politician trying to mind their own business as a customer in your place of employment, because you are going to be SO much on the losing end when the consequences come down on you.  Can you say,  “paper route?”  I mean, where do you go from there, pizza guy?!  E. Even if you keep your job, you are weak.   And, we need a weak person to take out our frustrations on.  You are no match with your silly little attempts at hurting us with words.  We are very experienced with hurtful words.  You are way out of your league and we will relish tormenting you more than you can ever imagine.   Pizza Face!